Consider the following: Rosa apologizes to Maria for not being able to make it back home for the night. An unidentified man is seen in the background having a puff. The camera cues to the futon, with Maria asking her Mommy to give it her best...Now, I don't want to accuse Rosa of adultery, since what she does in her own free time is her business, so to speak, but that was exactly what that struck me as odd. I mean, what sort of occupation entails spending overnight with whom I assume, is a client? If the Phoenix Wright series has thought me anything, it is that one does not make accusations of any sort without proof. With me, I have conclusive evidence that Rosa has been oh ho'ing herself! Of course, that makes little sense considering her background, so I suppose Mommy just needed some tender loving. NSFW inbound.

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If you consider the technology back in the 1980's, this is exactly what Rosa would have looked like then! Wish I had the actual video, though; I would have fapped to it Any visual novel readers wish to shed some light on this?

Disclaimer

Most of these were not done by me, but because it was missing key cast members anyway, I had to include some original works of my own, with at least one of the original poster(henceforth known as OP)'s designs given a revamp. With that out of the way, enjoy Umineko no Naku Koro ni as seen through the eyes of a greedy Hollywood executive!

Ushiromiya Kinzo

Japan's infatuation with Sean Connery never ceases to amaze me. From Tekken's Heihachi to Metal Gear Solid's Big Boss, some of videogame's most famous characters were quite evidently modeled after Mr. Connery himself. Still, I see more of Jack Nicholson's psychopathy in Kinzo, but the likeliness is uncanny.

Ushiromiya Krauss

While Jude Law is certainly talented enough to warrant a role in the live action adaptation(!), I just can't picture him playing the first in line to the Ushiromiya throne, simply because he's just not at that age just yet. If we were talking about Rudolf, on the other hand...

Ushiromiya Natsuhi

I have no clue as to who this actress is supposed to be, but as you will notice down the family tree, the general idea is to work on a minute resemblance no matter how obscure to achieve the final look. I'm guessing it's because of the hair?

Ushiromiya Eva

How I missed you, Sarah Michelle Gellar! The last time I saw her was in the Scooby Doo movie, which, you must admit it, does share similarities with Umineko - The part where they must invalidate the supernatural and in turn use evidence to proof that the perpetrator is human That similarity ends there.

Ushiromiya Hideyoshi

Out of all the adults, I probably like Hideyoshi best, because he comes across as the most genuine. He doesn't seem to be all that keen on getting his hands on the gold and is only there to fulfill the wishes of his dear wife. Also, his thick Kansai accent makes him a rather endearing and down to earth fellow. The same can hardly be said about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's disposition, but I guess they both look alike in some way or another.

Ushiromiya Rudolf

By virtue of being the youngest son in a prestigious family like the Ushiromiyas, Rudolf is no doubt the most ambitious of them all and has a lot to prove, stopping at nothing to achieve his goals. Or at least that's what I think the OP had in mind when he modeled Rudolf after Bruce Wayne Christian Bale.

Ushiromiya Kyrie

The first of the "missing Ushiromiyas", as I will refer to those I do not have in my possession, Kyrie's lack of presence until the most recent arc probably led to why she was left out. With that in mind, it was somewhat difficult for me to find someone who could fill Kyrie's shoes, due to her physical appearance and choice of wardrobe. I finally decided on Ellen Degeneres because she looks at home with that pantsuit and hairstyle

Ushiromiya Rosa

The OP hit the bullseye with Rosa. Ali Larter has proven herself, as far as her role as Niki Sanders in Heroes is concerned, capable of playing a doting(?) mother who would not hesitate to be ruthless to those that pose a threat to her or her closest of kin, in which case are their respective children. It also helps that both characters have that milf appeal

Ushiromiya George

Can't say I approve of OP's choice of casting Keanu Reeves as George, but given the fact the latter doesn't do much in the series anyway, the act of being forgettable is something Keanu Reeves could manage with aplomb

Ushiromiya Jessica

Once again, a face that's not in any way familiar. A bit too mature looking to play Jessica.

Ushiromiya Battler

The original Battler designed for the set was a rather shoddy piece of work, hence why I saw the need for a revision. I initially wanted to cast Zac Efron simply because, but I found Twilight's male lead, Robert Pattinson, to be better choice in the end, since he has sort exude that rebellious aura; This is also to make the fangirls happy Props to sagematt for ID'ing Robert Pattinson on the original.

Ushiromiya Ange

No comments on Ange, since she's yet to actually make an appearance in the anime(when this post was being done), and yet again, I have not the faintest idea as to who this actress is supposed to be.

Ushiromiya Maria

Spooky lolis are a dime a dozen, but to be Maria, you're going to have to take it one step further by breaking into hysteria at the drop of the hat, something to which I feel no Hollywood child actress is quite capable of pulling off. Sorry, Dakota Fanning!

Genji Ronoue

The only reasoning I can see behind casting Jason Statham is that he is someone who can get just about anything done, no questions asked. That was probably what Genji was like in his younger days as well, so I suppose he makes a good choice, even if it's a few decades too soon.

Terumasa Nanjo

Even by real life standards, Doctor Nanjo's a rather generic old guy whom you'd expect to be the doctor, which applies to the actor in question, since he doesn't ring a bell.

Toshiro Gohda

I just don't see Mel Gibson playing Gohda, when you consider the fact the latter's only there to be sacrificed, and I suppose the OP was scrapping the barrel by now.

Chiyo Kumasawa

This poor old lady never seems to last more than a couple of minutes every time she shows up, although I did almost shit bricks when she transformed into Virgilia. I know I've seen this actress somewhere, but my memory is failing me at the moment

Shannon

Don't know this actress, and there are certainly other better choices out there, but this was part of the set and I didn't really see any need to make amendments since it was relatively well done.

Kanon

The second missing Ushiromiya, Kanon proved difficult, since he is very androgynous, a criteria that few western actors possessed. I personally went for Tobey Maguire due to his boyish good looks and the fact he so coincidentally made an identical pose as game Kanon

Beatrice

The star of the show. I can think of many other actresses who are able to better play Beatrice than Natalie Portman, but this was so well done I just didn't feel like doing so. There is an alternate version with Emma Watson filling the spot, but it just didn't feel right.

Bernkastel

Bernkastel was sadly absent from my folder so I had to once again take it upon myself to cast an actress to fill those shoes, which proved to be a greater hassle than adult ones. Adair Tishler, who, some of you may remember from Heroes as the human global position system, Molly, became my choice, since both the latter and Bernkastel possess supernatural abilities and are pivotal to the story because of it(kinda). Also, that blank look

Lambdadelta

The Dakota Fanning I prefer! While I suppose she could play Lambdadelta is she wanted, I don't know enough about the former, due to her relatively brief appearances in the anime.

Virgilia

Allow me to say that DEEN's Virgilia looks rather fetching in that screenshot, and Catherine Zeta Jones is no stranger to play the roles of elegant women such as the former. They're both at about the right age, in terms of physical appearances anyway, so this is a definite clincher on OP's part.

Ronove

I wouldn't cast anyone else but Antonio Banderas to play the fabulous Ronove, although Johnny Depp comes close. Maybe it's just me, but Ronove's debonair personality can definitely be attributed to that Latino charm that you wouldn't find in butlers of other ethnicities. OP scores again.

Stakes of Purgatory - Asmodeus, Lucifer, Beelzebub

I am personally not too surprised by this. If you think about, the Stakes have a lot in common with the Charmed Ones, in that they're sisters that possess magical abilities, even if the latter were actually witches rather than the familiars of one

Eva Beatrice

Because it would be odd if Eva was played by anyone else but herself...

The Goats

This was one tough; Do I let Hollywood take the easy way out and utilize CG for the goats, or perhaps some animatronics is in order? However you look at it, both outcomes would be ridiculous, so I guess I'd go for the latter for the extra creepy factor.

I think Beatrice is a pretty cool witch. She kills people endlessly and doesn't afraid of anything!

Ignoring the fact that she's about a millennium older than what I'd go for(taking the form of an adult woman no less!), I have to say that I'm very attracted to this elegant troll of a witch. Beatrice's scheme truly epitomizes the devil's workshop resulting from an idle mind, as her intention for inciting mass murder was derived from sheer boredom. It's been a while since I've rooted for the antagonist, and all the more reason to as well, since Battler has yet to leave an impression on me

As a prelude to this epic battle of wits, Battler has, so far, taken the somewhat asinine approach, as his refusal to believe in the existence of witchcraft and magic can be likened to that of a child plugging his ears, going "LALALA WITCHES DON'T EXIST LALALA", made even more hilarious with everyone else gibbing around him

Taking its predecessor into account, I'm somewhat concerned over the ratio of logically unraveled discrepancies is to plain deus ex machina. While it would be interesting if Battler manages to solve everything through, as he puts it, humans means, I do acknowledge the fact that it will detract from the otherwise intended mystical nature of the show However, it is the level of compromise in this aspect, in my opinion, that will dictate whether or not Umineko ends up being nothing more than a mediocre whodunit series with a couple of clever set pieces.

Don't get me wrong though; I still appreciate some down to earth absurdity , and was especially amused by the tea party sequence which reminded me a lot of Taiga's Dojo, a familiar scene for atrocious players following a game over, where you're provided advice and hints for your next playthrough

Joining the fray, we have NPC Frederica Bernkastel(henceforth known as Fancy Rika), who's taken your side, the player for the time being. And those dead eyes? Not only is Fancy Rika a tsundere, she's also one hell of a kinky minx. I mean, the only way of achieving that erotic, blank look is for a female to fornicate to the extent when most of the central nervous system has shut down due to excessive carnal pleasure.

I've even been informed that Fancy Rika will utter Nipah~ sometime later in the second arc.....

It's as if Rika's sex appeal has been magnified over a thousand times...

....Is it too late for me to change waifus?

Just looking at the amount of tropes that Umineko and Kindaichi share has made me wonder if 07th Expansion got their inspiration from the latter. Not that it's a bad thing of course, since, if anything we need more shows of the whodunit genre, and despite sharing similarities, I'm confident that Umineko will still be able to conjure the same brand of brick shitting moments and plot twists that made Higurashi so enjoyable.

Battler comes across to me as a mix between Phoenix Wright and Hajime Kindaichi, and like the famous amateur sleuth himself, our hero's quite the pervert with an unfortunate penchant for large breasts. It would have been a lot less awkward too if everyone here wasn't blood related, but hell, if any of my relatives looked remotely this attractive, there's going be lots of inbreeding going around

I shudder with delight at the sight of scary little girls but Maria is definitely in a class of her own, with that bone-chilling grin in the OP and sinister expressions throughout the episode. What's more, when she utters Uuuh~ for the first time, I brushed it off as just some moe moe speech pattern much like what Yui Horie has done for Hanyuu with her Hauuu~ Her pitiful wailing of Uuuh~ Uuuh! Uuuh~ definitely carried that ominous tone, and I can't wait to find out what it really symbolizes, as hinted by her mother. I must admit however, it got too grating even for this lolicon, and I'm glad Rosa shut her up with the slap to the face.

A trappish man servant named Kanon who also dons a fabulous hat? I don't think I need to elaborate any further.... On second thought, I should. In the first episode alone where some characters have gone from happy face to seriousing the fuck up, Kanon's expression so far has remained constant, which Studio DEEN should have little difficulty maintaining, as QUALITY rears its ugly head once again, coupled with lazy animating in other areas. That said, it has worked to their advantage in the past, with Higurashi's QUALITY rage faces not having its intended effect otherwise

Ah yes, that finger pointing stance, how I missed you. While no one has bought the farm just yet, Beatrice's appearance should mean that people are going to get culled one by one, hopefully in the most horrible fashion, with Battler here pulling off that pose once he's figured out the perpetrator. You know, after swearing upon his grandfather's prestigious name and all that, though from the looks of it, the old man's a craze occultist who probably set everything up in the first place

The OP itself needs special mention as its brilliant intertwining of haunting chants and soothing vocals made it an instant winner in my books, although Studio DEEN cheated with the use of Latin verses, which ups the coolness factor of any song. Just ask Nobuo Uematsu.